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Football Story: Lawro gets a kicking!

Writer:Emdad Rahman, London

Groin attack - Author's definition: An attempt to cause injury to the groin area of an opponent, either through biting, kicking or punching. The technique can be harmful, due to the large number of sensitive nerve endings in that area of the body.

The Bible prohibits certain attacks on the groin. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 states: If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

Going back to 2002 and we revisit the event billed as the summer's biggest event, just edging the 2002 World cup into second place. Yes, the 150th celebration of the one and only Great Ormond Street Summer in the City Fun Day at Victoria Park, a family fun day out with football fun, giant inflatable's and music, all in aid of the hospital.

Z-list celebreties present on the day included Samantha Janus, Alan Ford, Mark Womack and Tommy 'greenfingers' Walsh. I had received a bunch of golden tickets from the hospital to allow local East End kids to participate in the Golden ticket football event. One of my teams had a player missing so as the opposition had BBC pundits Ray Stubbs, Mark Lawrenson and West Brom 's Nigel Pearson on playing cameo roles for them, we agreed that I could play.The game was a whitewash of the highest order and we were well on the way to an impressive win, knocking six in with no reply. The highlight of the game was reserved for the end of the game. A 50-50 ball, feet up in the air, my back arched, I executed a poetic slide tackle. Visions of Baresi in the Rose bowl were rudely interrupted as a disgraceful miss ended up with me perched in Lawro's lap, a split second after delivering an aluminium tipped toe poke to his dangly bits.

The price of a ticket - ten pounds, practice ball - five pounds and the look on Lawro's face after a sledgehammer blow to the groin, priceless. A collective "oooh" reverberated around the pitch. My adrenalin boosted brain translated this crowd response as an acclaim of the highest order, reserved for global superstars. It was not on the scale of Wayne Rooney's tomato squashing antics against Ricardo Carvalho but John Scales and Paul Konchesky who were offering coaching on the sidelines were splitting their sides with streams of guffaws. In the interests of fair play I joined the ranks of Antonio Rattin by being sent off seconds before the final whistle.To complete my introduction to the hall of shame of shame I spotted Ade 'the hitman' (Akinbadbuy) Akinbiyi giving me a scary look. 'I've made it' I thought as we trudged off triumphantly.